Reflections
by Albiku
Summary: Short Justin's POVs about different aspects of his life with Brian.
1. Special to each other

_**Hey! Ok, so this is my first time in the QAF fandom, and my first time writing in English too! This fic contains two oneshots (just two, at least for now) written from Justin's point of view. I hope you like them! **_

_**I want to thank my fantastic Beta reader, InconspicuousBunny. I wouldn't have posted this if it wasn't for her. So, thanks a lot! By the way, I highly recommend her fic "Missing Moments". I love reading it, because I always feel as if I was watching deleted scenes from the show. I just love it!**_

_**Thanks for reading, and don't forget to hit the review button! ;-)**_

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It's not often that Brian lets me top him. I mean, I know he isn't really comfortable when he's not in control of everything, and I know he doesn't like to put himself in the hands of others (even if the others are me). And I don't care, because he does let me top him from time to time, and I know he doesn't bottom for anyone, so the fact that he lets me is just more proof of his _love_ for me. I will never tell him this, of course. He would run away from me, as fast as he could.

So, he doesn't really like to bottom. On the other hand, I'm a willing bottom when I'm with Brian. He's fucking incredible! All the rumours around Liberty Avenue about him being the best fuck? All true. He is a sex god. So, why wouldn't I want to let him fuck me? I would be crazy not to.

But even though he doesn't like to bottom and I love to bottom for him, whenever he lets me top him it is… Oh, God. I don't even have the words to describe it. Because, you know, he's as amazing at bottoming as he is at topping! I don't know how he does it, but the things he can achieve when he's under me… He makes me so crazy that I really have to concentrate so I don't blow it for him. And he just loves making me crazy when I'm fucking him. He puts on that teasing smirk of his, and his hazel eyes shine with something that looks like _delight_. And at the same time, I'm left trying to control myself while going nuts with the way he moves under me. I don't know how he learnt to do those things with his butt and his hole, seeing that he NEVER wants to bottom for the tricks. And I'm afraid to ask him, because he will look at me funny and then he will change the subject as if he hadn't heard me.

I do wonder, you know. I wonder who taught him the same way he taught me. I wonder who was special enough that Brian Kinney allowed him that kind of control over himself. And yes, maybe I'm a little jealous, but at the same time, I don't really care. I was probably a child when that happened, anyway, because Brian must have been really young.

Whatever. What is important is that he trusts me and _cares_ about me enough to let me be inside him. And I _know_ he enjoys it too. After all, I did learn from him, didn't I? I was just lucky that way. I still am.

But what Brian doesn't know, because he would be really freaked out if I told him, is that I haven't let anyone top me, besides him. He's the only one that has been inside me. Because I don't want anyone else inside me the way he is several times a day. He would flip if I told him this, and he would call me pathetic and push me away for "saving myself for him like a little housewife" or whatever crap he would come up with to explain it. So I don't tell him. It's enough that _I_ know it. It's enough that _I_ acknowledge that we're special to each other.

Because, whatever he may think about us, we _are_.

And THAT's what really matters.


	2. An act is worth ten thousand words

_**Thanks again to my Beta reader, InconspicuousBunny. ;-)  
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_**I hope you all like this! Thanks for reading, and don't forget to review. Greetings from Spain!  
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It's amazing how a few months can change someone's view of things. But, as amazing as it is, it's also true. I know it is, because it has happened to me.

When I left Brian for Ethan, I thought I was gonna be happier. Because Ethan was going to give me things I thought I needed to have; a "real" relationship. Things Brian couldn't give me. And yes, I just said _couldn't_. No matter what he may say to deny it, I know now that he's not _able_ to do those kind of romantic things, because that's not the way he is, the way his life has forced him to be. Anyway, I thought I was gonna be happier with Ethan. But, in the end, I wasn't.

Maybe I was for a while, even though I didn't love Ethan the way I've always loved Brian. I finally had a doting partner that actually said he loved me. Which is what we all dream to have one day, a perfect and loving happily ever after, right? But I was fooling myself. Life isn't like that, and at the end, I understood some of the things Brian is always saying. Like, "sorry is bullshit", or "love is something straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with". What I understand now is that words don't matter. It's like that saying, you know, "an act is worth ten thousand words". Which means that what matters is what you show, what you demonstrate, and NOT what you say, right? And Ethan said a lot of shit and did a lot of meaningless romantic things that, in the end, were just shallow. At the end, he never really _showed_ me anything.

Brian did. And still does.

And I'm not saying this just because he saved my life, or because he took me in, or because he bought me an expensive computer program that allowed me to keep painting, or because he's paying for my education, or because he looks after me. I mean, those things are important, that's true… But in the end, it's all about the little details. Those details that I always took for granted before Ethan, but that I can see now for what they are: meaningful acts of Brian's strong _feelings_ for me.

For example, when we started fucking, he never had any food at the loft. But when I started making myself a constant in Brian's life, things started to change. When he learnt that I liked drinking milk before going to sleep, I suddenly started finding a bottle of milk in the fridge whenever I stayed the night, along with my favourite peanut butter cookies that he never ate because they were "carb-bombs". Or when I caught the flu and he heard my mom telling me to drink hot tea because it always helped me when I was sick. Next thing I knew, I had a packet of tea bags in a very visible place on the cupboard. Or the way I knew he had read all the patient information leaflets to throw away all the meds of his bathroom cabin that contained the drugs I'm allergic to. Or the times when he let me top him, even though I know he has control issues. Or the way he started sleeping on his side of the bed, even when he was just taking a nap and I wasn't around. Or the way he allowed me to cuddle when we were finished making love. Or the way he didn't mind when I borrowed his clothes to wear at home, or when I left my things around the loft, or when I got paint all over his expensive table because I threw an artistic fit when a project for school didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

He has never said anything, he has never told me that he does these things. Maybe he isn't even aware that I know about them. But I do.

I do.

Maybe Brian can't tell me how he feels about me. Maybe he is too emotionally fucked up to allow himself to drop his barriers and fully acknowledge his love for me. Maybe he will never bring me flowers, bring me breakfast in bed, buy me a ring or serenade me.

But now, I know I don't NEED those things. I don't need words, I don't need romance, and I don't need him to be someone he isn't. Even though I thought I did. Even though I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving with Ethan when I had everything I had ever dreamed of. Maybe I didn't have it in a conventional way, but, fuck, I had everything I wanted, fairytale-esque or not. And, above all things, I had him.

Now, I'm fucking lucky to still have him. And that's all that matters. That's all I need, for now. Maybe he will be able to give me more in the future, maybe not, but I will still have him. And I sure as hell will still love him.

Whatever happens, I won't fuck up again.

Never again.


	3. The truth in advertising

_Again, thanks to my wonderful Beta, **InconspicuousBunny**. _

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No one really knows how seriously Brian takes his job. Most people think he's that good at what he does just because he has some kind of natural talent, just because he was cut out that way. But they don't know shit.

They don't see him researching thoroughly each new client until he knows all the facts by heart. They don't see him struggling to come up with a new slogan while pacing the floor nervously in the loft. They don't see him desperately trying to meet a deadline, living on coffee and sleep depraved until he resembles a walking zombie.

They certainly don't see him trying to absorb whatever new information there is about the advertising world. They don't see him studying all the new trends that people might like, and all the new tricks that people might respond to. They don't see him attending every new seminar, every significant conference about advertising (wherever they may be held) so that he doesn't fall behind the rest of the ad men in the world.

I've seen him working for several days in a row barely stopping to eat or to get a couple of hours of sleep. I've seen him meticulously preparing for his latest presentation until there is no margin for error. I've seen him staring for hours at whatever new boards he has come up with, looking thoughtfully at them from all angles, trying to find whatever is it that's not working until he passes out from exhaustion on the sofa. I've seen him changing those boards again and again until he feels happy with them, and I've seen him screaming at the guys on his art department because they always manage to fuck them up again.

No one knows how much time he spends in front of the mirror, rehearsing the next presentation he has to make until he is comfortable enough, until he achieves the right amount of confidence. No one knows how badly he sleeps the night before a meeting with a client because his mind can't seem to stop going over what he has to do and say the next day. No one's seen him prepare thoroughly for a meeting, choosing the perfect suit for each client and then making sure that his appearance is perfect and flawless. No one's seen him so focused on what he needs to do that he forgets his car keys and has to come back when he realises he doesn't have them.

People admire Brian because they know he's the best in what he does. They admire him because they think he was born like that: confident, talented and learned. They admire him because he can work miracles for his clients, and almost always in the first try.

And of course he is the best, and of course he is confident, talented and learned, and of course he can work miracles for his clients. But all of that is NOT completely effortless.

I certainly know better. I've seen his dedication, his intelligence put in action, and the way he expands his inherent talent through hard work. That's why I admire Brian even more. Because he's not just a man that has it easy just because. On the contrary, he makes things easy himself by working his ass off.

That's what makes his incredible achievements even more amazing.

And that's another reason why I love him so much it hurts…

… not that I would ever tell him so.

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_I hope you liked it! :-D_


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